I wouldn't mind, but ....

..... I've stopped going to the gym.  Now there's a sentence I've used in my life more than 'pass me a doughnut' - and believe me, that's on the tip of my tongue most days.  Three things helped me reach my decision.

1.  As I kitted and booted ready for each class, I found there was no escape from the instructor 'Mr Dull'. A man whose head was rendered miniature by his overly muscular arms and legs.  A man who, even if there were only two people in the class, still donned headset and microphone for the primary school mantra 1, 2 3, 3, 2, 1.  All played out against a background of hardcore hip hop music, under-appreciated by the over-45s busy upgrading their BUPA memberships to cover them for certain death. A man who turned out to be the manager of the gym.  And there you have it.  This omnipresent 13-stone walking muscle was in charge! 

2.  The other deterrent was the undersized towel handed to members each time they arrived. I enjoy access to a large bath towel at home and it gives me great enjoyment to be properly covered.  Alas, such pleasure was not available to me at the gym as I struggled to protect my modesty with a piece of cloth the size of a standard post-it note. In fact, I felt it necessary to avoid any stationary poses in the changing room in case someone wrote a message on me - probably "remember to lose weight".

3.  On one occasion in the small swimming pool, which found me enjoying exclusive use of the facility, I was joined by a young gentleman carrying a toothbrush.  He proceded to enter the pool and start brushing the uppermost tiles as if they were teeth.  I asked him if he wanted me to get out of the pool, to which he replied 'no'.  I continued swimming for a while, but the noise of the toothbrush and the abundance of water, led me to imagine I was immersed in mouthwash.  I made a hasty retreat, suitably bacteria-free.

So, yet again, the gym is not for me.  But I've recently seen an advertisement for the jumpsnap rope - a skipping rope without any rope.  Could we be just one star jump away from the perfect gym without any exercise?