I wouldn't mind, but ....

.... I suppose if someone asks you what you bought with your gift vouchers and you say, "a webcam and some underwear," there is the potential to misunderstand.  For the record, my purchases also included a lumie body clock.  And, just to clarify, not so I could wake up in time for a webcam session with a bar full of tourists in Thailand.

Anyway, the experience led me to recall some of those moments in my life where I've spoken before giving sufficient thought to what I have to say.  This inevitably results in a feeling in my stomach which can best be likened to eating a delicious meal only to be told afterwards that the bowl on the floor by the catflap was, in fact, meant for Tiddles. 

Today I went to the theatre and was seated behind a man with terrible dandruff.  The kind that wouldn't look out of place on the skip slopes of Switzerland.  I whispered to the lady next to me "look at that terrible dandruff", only to discover that my whisper resembled a banshee screaming that the poteen had gone.  Everyone heard me, except it seemed the gentleman in question. Or did he?  During the performance, we were required to stand up if we were "someone that people didn't really know".  Four people got to their feet, the ski slopes of Switzerland was one of them.  Was he telling me something? 

Afterwards, I pondered the things people have said to me which, for their sheer inappropriateness, deserve a second airing.  "You used to have a very fat face" ('I cannily increased the size of my body to make my face look smaller); "I'm very uncomfortable in your presence" (probably because we're stuck in a wardrobe); "you've got two weeks to get out" (I spend my holidays locked in a suitcase), "you've got very hairy arms" (I haven't by the way - I believe it was a lighting problem). 

In a shameless attempt to bring this blog full circle, I wonder if you can get dandruff on very hairy arms?  There must be some scientific research on this topic underway somewhere, probably by natural healing students as a part-time, organic sub-module sponsored by Veet at an 'international college' with a head office over a temp agency in Oxford Street. I may be just what they need to complete their diploma.