.... I've been struggling with my weight recently (roughly the past 30 years). I once tried hypnotherapy to stop myself eating crisps. This involved paying a hefty sum of money to lie down for one hour with my eyes closed, while a lady with an irritating voice took me 'mentally' into a forest collecting stones wrapped in crisps. When I reached the end of the forest I was urged to drop these stones into a well to rid myself of cheese & onion forever. In reality, it was one of the longest hours of my life and, while in the imaginary forest, I spotted an imaginary tray of Krispy Creme doughnuts and the rest is history (or visible on my hips).
I've also deployed the technique of tapping points whenever I see a tube of Pringles - a signal to my brain warning it of approaching danger and urging me to retreat to a 'pop and go' exclusion zone. In reality, though, the tapping points just reminds me of the time a Krispy Creme doughnut with chocolate icing and custard filling got harpooned on my finger. You get the general drift, I'm sure.
Anyway, I've been thinking. If offensive language and behaviour are a crime, why shouldn't offensive eating be too? I find it very offensive when someone with a fast metabolism is enjoying the delights of an all-day fried breakfast while I'm sitting nearby eating a caesar salad minus dressing and croutons. My metabolism is so slow, I'm still digesting last week's Sunday lunch when I'm tucking into this Sunday's roasted parsnips. In fact, I'm packing a tail back of parsnips that would do any motorway hold-up proud. I'm the M1 of vegetable accompaniments.
Imagine being convicted of eating too many portions of cheesecake. It would surely save the NHS a fortune as people avoided sugary, fatty foods and stampeded the supermarket for that weird spray oil in the yellow can. It would sound the death knoll for the ubiquitous kebab and spits would finally turn empty in the shop windows of Walthamstow and farther afield. Think of all the NHS beds vacated by the newly health-conscious population and the refuge they could provide for the homeless. And there you have it, I'm channelling the spirit of the Big Society and we owe it all to doughnuts.
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